Tuesday, September 17, 2013

"Happiness isn't happiness without a violin playing goat."

I have been really lonely this past year and a half. 

Last February, I moved to a city where I knew about three people and it has been a lot harder than I anticipated to make friends. I spend a lot of time alone in my apartment watching TV (which is not a whole lot different than what I was doing before I moved, but now it's because I actually do not have anything else to do). I miss my friends and family in Philly, but I also do not feel like there is anything for me to go back to right now.

To be honest, I have felt pretty lost for a while now. I thought by moving to Texas I would find....something. Something that would make me happy. I guess I have just never really been a happy person. Actually, I think I was happy when I was younger, I just can't remember when or why I lost that feeling of looking forward with anticipation instead of dread. Before I moved, someone actually said to me that they could sense my unhappiness and felt like a light had gone out. 

The problem is, I am not really sure how to turn it back on.

The only bright spot I see is that I have this hobby (for lack of a better word) that I love. Unfortunately, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to turn it into something that will also support me financially.

I like movies and television because I can always find something to fit my mood...a world to get lost in. If I just need something to make me laugh, I can visit my friends the Huxtables or get some coffee at Central Perk. If I need a good cry, I will build a house with Kevin Kline or go on a road trip with Whoopi, Mary Louise and Drew. If I just feel like punching someone, I hop on my Harley and ride into Charming. If I just need to completely lose myself, I head into Westeros or Middle Earth. My "comfort food" is spending time in Stars Hollow or Neptune and, most recently, I have been shopping a lot at Buy More. Whatever I am feeling or whatever emotions I need justified, I can either find someone who feels the same or can make me feel better.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO thankful for everything that I have and the opportunities that have been given me, I guess I just always thought my life would be...less ordinary and I felt like I needed to vent a little.

Sometimes though, you just have to face reality...

I will never marry Bradley Cooper. 

The girl does not always get the boy...

or the dream job...

and she doesn't always save the world.